Anything but love
by AcqueCristalline
Summary: Sometimes, cry, is okay.


**My first fanfic! **

**Go easy on my language's mistakes 'cause I'm Italian!**

**Reviews!! **

**Anything without love**

We were a family at that time, little, but truly happy; me, my little brother and mom. Everything was so great! And now... now I think I'm starting to forget those moments. Maybe because they only give me a feeling of hopeless, of sadness so deep; they let me whole of nothingness, like a part of my life is already died... Damn! I can't even think of mom, that these damned tears come back! _Damn_, _damn_ _and damn_!

Sorry mom, sorry Al! Look at what I've become! A little hopeless human without anything but his guiltiness! I'm an idiot... An idiot who only wanted back his mom... I _know_ I was wrong, but the reason was_ not_ wrong. Well, a child without his beloved mom, he's a lost child, right? I was a lost child, that couldn't even think straight for the sadness and emptiness inside my heart. I wanted to fill the emptiness, _my_ emptiness. And Al's. Being honest, I wasn't think about what Alphonse wanted to do... I know I was being selfish. But I didn't care! And see the results!

Great.

Everything's fine, now? Don't you think, mom!? My little brother into an armour that can't feel, can't sleep, eat, drink, dream! You became a monster... _that_ monster! _I_ turned you into a monster! And you... well, everywhere you are now, I understand if you hate me.

_If!?_

And now I'm being haughty, too. You probably hate me, you _hate_ me. What mother don't hate his... Stupid! I'm crying. Stupid, why am I crying? I'm not allowed to do this...

Please, make this(my) pain stops.

_Please_

Mom, come back to dry my tears. Mom, come back to fill my heart. Mom, come back to love me. Mom, come back to hug me, to kiss me on my cheek. Mom, mom, mom... just come back, just smile again, just... just be with me! Please, I can't bear this anymore. My heart, it's like it's going to explode, or collapse, how you see it. Please, I don't want to being selfish, I don't want anymore, but it's just too much. Even for me. And now I'm being haughty to think that I'm strong.

See? I'm so weak that I can't even hold back these tears... If Al would see me... I'm stupid, weak, hopeless, but this pain isn't little. Nothing like Al's, but he's strong. Stronger than me, he can. I can't. I just can't.

_I just can't._

Very well! My hands are starting to shake... my body shakes.

_Don't sob! don't sob! don't sob!! Please, don't... please, not this... it's just..._

Me, Edward Elric, the great Fullmetal alchemist, who survives a human transmutation, a soul's transmutation, who passed the national exam at 12, who has got two burning automail... Look! I'm crying. Like a little child, and I can't contain the sobs.

I'm very loud, you know? If Maes or Mustang pass right now, I think they could hear me. Well!! I've wetted everything around me... I'm wetting everything... Why can't I stop? I can't stop! Damn, am I so weak!?

I can't stop.

Can't stop.

_Stop_

Crying like a child! It's exactly what I'm doing!

Very well, what can I do? Go under my sheets? Go to the bathroom to dry these tears? Go to my little brother to be reassured? And maybe, I can even go to Roy... Yes! Why not!? Now, I'm going to this damned Hughes, asking "Can you huge me? Because, you know, I'm feeling a little down!"

Yes...

Stupid, stupid, stupid Edward.

Stupid _Edward_.

_Stupid child_.

A door is opening... Damn!! Al is returned!! He can't see me like this... He can't! Damn, damn... What can I do!?

-Brother, what are you doing?-

_Damn!_

-Noth-ing Al!-

_Damned shaking voice!_

-Is something wrong? Are you okay, big brother?-

_Don't call me that! Don't give me this shit of being a big brother! I'm non a big brother! I'm only a shit! A stupid human! A hopel-_

-Brother, are you sure to be okay? Your eyes are all red... were you crying?-

-NO! I was not crying! I just... just...-

_I just...? Just what? You were crying, stupid. Al isn't stupid, you know this._

_-_You were crying, brother. Don't fool me-

-Well...-

-You don't have to do this. If you feel like cry, cry then. It's better-

_It's _not_ better! I'm the older, I'm the one who must cared about yo-_

-And don't even think to give an answer like "I'm the big brother! I'm the one who never cry!" Because now, I'm not in the mood to accept that-

_Well... Al is mad with me. He hates me, I know, in deep._

-Well?-

-I was not crying-

-Yes, you were-

-I was no-

-Stop that! Why do you always to this to me! And look at me when I'm talking!!-

_Don't look... if I look at you... I cry... I..._

-You're stupid! You're so stupid, sometimes! Why don't you understand!? No one is hating you! No one! Then, please, don't put all of your cries inside you just because you feel guilty!! We're brothers! Don you remember, right!? Or you forget this, too!?-

_Too._

_I'm not forgetting... Yes, Edward, you're forgetting everything because it hurts so much inside you. Am I... am I hurting myself?_

-Brother, look at me-

-Al...-

-Look at me, damn!-

_I can't..._

I'm run away. Alphonse is calling me. I can't face him like now. Why doesn't he understand? It's so hard for me! He's telling me that he's sorry... Why he's like this!? Why he doesn't hate me!? I can't understand! I can't understand why.

Why.

_Why._

I would hate myself, and no one is hating me! Everyone lie to me, because... because I'm pity? I'm a pity child without no one...

_No one is hating you!_

Are you serious? But I just can't...

Can't think straight, can't feel, can't cry, can't smile, can't be...

_Can't._

And damn me for my weakness.

Damn the world to be so fucking hard.

Please,

make stop this pain.

Make stop this burning heart inside me.

_Please. _

Fill me with love.

Anything without love, it's that what I wanted.

What I want.

Mom, come back. Dry my tears, dry my heart, dry my sadness. Mom, come back, I can't live without you. Mom, mom, come back! Come back to me!

Moth-

-BROTHER!!-

Something hits me.

Pain.

Am I dying?

-Brother, please... brother, I'm sorry. Please, hold on! Please, don't leave me, I'm sorry, I'm sorry...-

_Mom?_


End file.
